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WILL RITSON
When the Rev. Dr. Ainger [sometime principal of St. Bees College] and two other clergymen were on the top of Scawfell, with the eccentric Will Ritson as their guide, and were indulging in hearty merriment, the Dr. asked Will what he thought of their doings. Will quickly replied he thought they were nearer to heaven than they ever had been, and may be nearer than they ever would be again.
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ON FOOT OR ON HORSEBACK?
In a whisper loud enough to rebuke the offender, the clergyman of Eskdale, who was near-sighted, hearing some one walking noisily up the aisle during divine service, stooping toward his clerk, said,
"Whaa's tat?"
Clerk- "It's aad Sharp o' Laa Birker."
Priest- "Afooat or o' horseback?"
Clerk- "Nay, nobbet afooat, wi' cokert shun." [shoes]
NB: William Whellan, on page 410 of his "History and Topography of Cumberland and Westmorland" (1860) sets the same story in Ulpha, and W.T. Palmer, on page 155 of his guide to "The English Lakes" (1930) in Wasdale Head.
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CUT AND COME AGAIN
When Thomas Newby removed from Bracelet, near Broughton-in-Furness, to Muncaster Head Farm, the curate of Eskdale, the Rev. Robert Powley (not the near-sighted curate), met him on his way; and, after a little chat, Mr. Powley, in his homely way, said, "Tom, I'se caa to see thee some day." Tom, knowing the convivial habits of the parson, answered in his rough way- "Thaww need du nawwt o't sooart, I want nawwt wi' tha." The parson was as ready with a caustic reply as Tom, and immediately said, "Wey awivver I'se come to t' seall," implying that Tom would be sold up ere long. But Tom and his son have thriven on the farm for thirty years or more, and are likely to continue thriving and well respected.
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HARDLY AN AVERAGE
Not long after the Rev. --- C--- got into pecuniary difficulties a Ravenglass butcher had killed and was dressing the carcase of a pig, and among some casual onlookers was another Reverend of rather wet proclivities, who remarked that the pig was a nice one. The butcher turned aside to whet his knife and was heard to say, "Hardly an average like a deal o' you parson fellows." This was duly understood by the party.
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THE DOUBLE MEANING
Two frolicsome young men called on the late Mrs. Braithwaite, who kept an inn at Ravenglass, for refreshment; and as eggs were to form part of their meal, Mrs. B. inquired if they would have them boiled hard or soft, or how? Expecting some fun would arise out of it, they chose to have them how- not thinking the word meant hollow or empty. The good landlady was as wide awake as the young men, and met their saucy answer by blowing the contents out of the eggs and serving up the empty shells.
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TOM FOOL O' MUNCASTER
In an age when it was the fashion both at court and elsewhere for the higher families to keep a household fool for the amusement of their visitors and themselves, the Lord of Muncaster had a noted one, who like many a better fellow, was apt to resent an insult when he thought it was carried too far. During those days when each feudal lord held jurisdiction over his manors, evil deeds were done and punished or passed Oyer at the will of the lord.
Tom was a favourite with his master, and one hot day he found the castle joiner in his workshop taking a nap after dinner, with his head resting on a block of wood for a pillow. Calling to mind the many instances of the joiner having made more sport of him than was agreeable, he took an axe and chopped off the joiner's head, hiding it among the shavings. He then capered into the hall in great glee, saying "When the joiner wakes he will have some trouble to find his head." It is said of that far-off time, that a good joiner was easier to find than a good fool, and Tom's exploit was overlooked.
Among the numerous visitors who met at Muncaster Castle in Tom's day, was a gentleman blessed with a large nose, who plagued Tom unmercifully. Tom thought it prudent not to come the joiner over a gentleman, but he was at no loss for revenge, and one morning spread an offensive substance on the top rail of the stair leading ftom the gentleman's room. In coming down stairs the visitor drew his hand along the anointed rail, and found himself the victim of a dirty trick. An immediate and angry inquiry was made as to who the delinquent was, but no one would admit knowing anything of the matter. "It must be the fool you keep," said the indignant gentleman; so Tom was brought forward and asked if he put the dirt on the stair rail? "Yes," said Tom, "but the man with the big nose had a hand in it."
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DR. MILLER
The late Dr. Miller, the eminent meteorologist, had some thirty rain gauges distributed over the lake district, one of which was placed on the summit of Scawfell and was maliciously destroyed by some students. The act was thus described by his informant; "They mash't t' tunmill heed in wi' cobble steanns, and than they proddle't t' boddam out wi' their kebby sticks."
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